39

Yes, Maddy, I suppose I do believe
in some kind of God, but no one
in my family ever went to church.
My mother did, actually, but only
after she got older; I always had
the impression she wanted to be
closer to God because she was
starting to see the end of her
life. Somehow, church comforted
her. I'm uneasy when I'm in
a place deemed holy, almost as if
I'm unholy and I know that I
don't belong. But I've always
felt that we walk beneath God's
love, we people, and insects,
and rodents. Really, for a long
time now I've told folks Yes, I
believe in God, but simply because
my believing in God's love only
makes sense if I also believe in
God. I want to believe there can
be God's love, a real, verifiable
presence in the world, without
there being some God with a
beard in a heaven with pearly
gates. Do you think it's fair
to say I believe in God's love
but I don't believe in God?
I believe in a ubiquitous
loving presence, how about that?
What really gets me is
religious people who get
defensive about their religions
but have no problem speaking
ill of atheists. I think the idea
is: they're atheists, why would
they care? They have no morals.
These same people act as if
they're wounded should an atheist
express her opinions on God.
If there faith were strong, if it
were real, they could care less
what an atheist has to say.
But no, all the religious people
I know, mostly people who call
themselves religious but don't
really act on the moral pointers
their books offer them, are prone
to carry themselves like helpless
babes should anyone badmouth their
belief system. If I say, "I find
the idea of a God in heaven
laughable," the reaction is that
I'm not allowed to say that.
So these supposedly moral people
would have me lie? They ignore
the salient feature of our
democracy: I'm allowed to say
anything I want to, so long as
it's nothing hurtful. Saying that
_I_ find the idea of God
laughable could only be hurtful
to those of little faith.
Ubiquitous loving presence; I'm
sticking with that, but I must admit
I'm not even very confident
conceding that much; look at you.
Where is that loving presence now?
If what we see around us now is
God's love, love be damned.

(2007)