Dear Seattle

When I first saw you, I was coming in
from the north with my girlfriend. I was
stunned at the sight of you; my girlfriend
was a little under-whelmed. I haven't
seen her in years. When I first came
to understand you, or what you would
eventually mean to me, I was sitting
alone in a backyard at your pinnacle,
Cascades distant on one side,
Olympics yet more distant on the other,
having a beer in honor of my brother
who'd just driven off the side of the road.
It's been almost fifteen years since we
met, and I'm more alone than ever,
more alone even than that one night in
a yard when I cried for want of
any shoulder to cry on, even just a soul
to talk to. I left you long ago, but the sense
of being on my own in this world, a sense
which struck me for the first time fully
in your shadows, is still with me. I
cannot shake it no matter what I do or
how I try. Above all, it's the depths of
the solitude I knew which burned
themselves deep under my skin.
Though I'd lived many places, I
always felt like a total novice inside
you. Somewhere along the way, I
simply forgot how to love right.
Did you cast a spell on me, twist up
my various destinies to ensure
I'd never really figure it out? At the
moment, you're the only one I've
got to blame, so I'm putting it all
on you. Serves you right, for all
the lonely nights, all the
uninvited parties, all the botched
affairs. The nights out I dressed up
and pretended, at uncomfortable
clubs, that I was waiting for
a lady to arrive. The catching of eyes
with clerks and waitresses and
girls on the street which never
got me one step closer to any
company. The hoping that
in some college class, or some
bar, or at some open mic I
might meet a woman who could
tolerate me forever. That's still
with me too, the wanting of forevers.
I was beguiled by you at first, but
have long since come to my
senses. If I could change one thing
about our acquaintance, I would
remove from my memory banks
all the wondering I did about
what exactly others seemed to know,
world wise, love wise, friendship wise,
that I didn't, what exactly
left me outside the barricades
of cliques and buddies and women
I dreamed of while only half wanting,
what kept my hopes up like a hapless
puppy despite years of nothing and no one.
While I'm happy I met you early on
in my Northwest life, I can only conclude
that my life is decent now that I've
gotten far enough away from you.
I do wish you well, but only
half-heartedly, only with a wince
of cold recollection.
Half my love, Adam

(2007)